some realizations.

there are some changes happening/coming this month. i realized a couple things and now that i have it's time to take some action.

i think people fall into the trap of defining themselves too fully by their jobs. a job is just a job - it is not your person. so --- i am avoiding that trap early on. i am moving away from my job, i am cutting my days to three a week and i am smiling.

next month paul and i are moving up to cardiff. i am beyond excited. whenever i am there i have a sense of happiness and peace - it's something i can't really explain. we were looking at places in the area around encinitas and leucadia as well - but for some reason they don't hold that same feeling for me. i'm following that gut feeling and i think it will pay off.

yesterday we spent the day up there and it was lovely. i surfed my best and smiled my best and watched the sun set so fast before my eyes ... and i could get used to that.

roadtrip extravaganza (in pictures).

a trip of all trips. my mind was blown repeatedly by sights, sounds, friendship and gratitude.


it all started off with this little cake that could.


no fast food on this road trip! making guacamole in the parking lot of a random target in the random state of arizona.


perfecto!


flowers for the car, a must for any road trip.


it is confirmed over and over, arizona clouds are the best clouds!


stopped for a hike in sedona. a perfect glimps of the red rocks to come. this is not my picture, but our view was even better! we hiked up bell rock, known as a "vortex" created "not by wind or water, but from spiraling spiritual energy." amazing!


the next day in flagstaff we hiked through the lava river caves. an underground cave about a mile long created by lava flow though the city of flagstaff. it was the darkest dark and the quietest quiet i had ever experienced, until we were overrun by a field trip of 3rd graders .... what??!!! before i knew it they all believed we had survived down there for 3 days eating rocks.


that same day we drove to winslow, az for free camping and cliff diving! combined with the creepy underground caves it was definitely a day of braveness!


sunset romance.


road trip evidence starting to accumulate in the car. along with some lovely feet i was lucky to be accompanied by. thanks nat-times for capturing it!


before we knew it lovely lady micaela and the frenchwoman marie had us hostage in the back of their car. how lovely it was! i would love to be back there.
*fun fact: micaela provided me with my only shower of the trip ... love her!*


amazing group of people. miss them already, wish we had more time together ... and why am i the only one not looking in a group of 20+ ? )thanks rkop for this gem of a photo!)


of course ... the show of shows in the venue of venues. mraz at red rocks ... unbelievable. about the 30th time my mind was blown on this trip. (yay to murphy for this pic and the next!)


sold out!


dancing, dancing, dancing! (thx cheryl!)


ended up unplanned in vegas ... the view from our $13 hotel room!


7-7-7-!


we were definitely big winners this trip!

SO grateful.

you are not alone. (nor i)

i get so worked up sometimes. worried about my where my life is taking me that i sometimes have trouble appreciating the present.

with every problem you come across you can always learn from others (we are not alone, we all go through the same problems) - these quotes have helped me greatly with the thoughts ive been struggling with lately.

"there is more to life than increasing its speed."
-gandhi
(there is no need to worry about the future - what is coming and how to get there! you will get there ... im sure of it).

"if a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
-thoreau
(we cannot compare ourselves to or look to others for happiness. we are all unique messes, and beautiful for it!)

....trying to keep positive ....

love.

overwhelmed.

its been over a year since i last wrote in this blog.

its been a year since i moved to san diego.

its been probably about 5 years since i first found myself in ocean beach, simply by winding my way around the san diego freeways following the signs to "beaches". following the 8 all the way spit me out into the quirky but charming, peaceful and beautiful, but run down town of ob.

after a year of living here (i actually got myself here where i wanted to be) i feel like i should be appreciating it more. lately i hear numerous people advising me to "just be" but you have no idea how hard it is for me to do so. i cant be happy just being becuase i feel like i am settling with just what i have. this is my life and the last thing i want to do is settle. i work in a good, positive place ... but dread being there, i feel like im trapped when i am there. so burnt out. and i have no idea where my life is moving outside of that. i want to get out, i want to be young and explore and travel and get messy in that youth.

i dont know how to go about doing that. i dont have the money, and above all i dont know that i can do it alone -- paul is stuck here in school for at least another two years. its a horrible thing to feel like the person you love is holding you back - is keeping your life from being all that you want it to be. and on top of that one of the main reasons hes going through school is for me! because i want security in our future .... and my career path is definitely not shaping up to be a guarantee for that.

im overwhelmed - its so hard to deal with and definitely slowly taking its toll us. i'm ridden with little brerakdowns often and
i dont know how to deal with it all. its been taking a toll on my happiness for quite a while now ... i just dont want life to turn into something im unhappy with. that ive learned to settle with. in hopes that typing this well help me sort it out ---