overwhelmed.

its been over a year since i last wrote in this blog.

its been a year since i moved to san diego.

its been probably about 5 years since i first found myself in ocean beach, simply by winding my way around the san diego freeways following the signs to "beaches". following the 8 all the way spit me out into the quirky but charming, peaceful and beautiful, but run down town of ob.

after a year of living here (i actually got myself here where i wanted to be) i feel like i should be appreciating it more. lately i hear numerous people advising me to "just be" but you have no idea how hard it is for me to do so. i cant be happy just being becuase i feel like i am settling with just what i have. this is my life and the last thing i want to do is settle. i work in a good, positive place ... but dread being there, i feel like im trapped when i am there. so burnt out. and i have no idea where my life is moving outside of that. i want to get out, i want to be young and explore and travel and get messy in that youth.

i dont know how to go about doing that. i dont have the money, and above all i dont know that i can do it alone -- paul is stuck here in school for at least another two years. its a horrible thing to feel like the person you love is holding you back - is keeping your life from being all that you want it to be. and on top of that one of the main reasons hes going through school is for me! because i want security in our future .... and my career path is definitely not shaping up to be a guarantee for that.

im overwhelmed - its so hard to deal with and definitely slowly taking its toll us. i'm ridden with little brerakdowns often and
i dont know how to deal with it all. its been taking a toll on my happiness for quite a while now ... i just dont want life to turn into something im unhappy with. that ive learned to settle with. in hopes that typing this well help me sort it out ---