Saturday, August 29, 2009

you are not alone. (nor i)

i get so worked up sometimes. worried about my where my life is taking me that i sometimes have trouble appreciating the present.

with every problem you come across you can always learn from others (we are not alone, we all go through the same problems) - these quotes have helped me greatly with the thoughts ive been struggling with lately.

"there is more to life than increasing its speed."
-gandhi
(there is no need to worry about the future - what is coming and how to get there! you will get there ... im sure of it).

"if a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
-thoreau
(we cannot compare ourselves to or look to others for happiness. we are all unique messes, and beautiful for it!)

....trying to keep positive ....

love.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

overwhelmed.

its been over a year since i last wrote in this blog.

its been a year since i moved to san diego.

its been probably about 5 years since i first found myself in ocean beach, simply by winding my way around the san diego freeways following the signs to "beaches". following the 8 all the way spit me out into the quirky but charming, peaceful and beautiful, but run down town of ob.

after a year of living here (i actually got myself here where i wanted to be) i feel like i should be appreciating it more. lately i hear numerous people advising me to "just be" but you have no idea how hard it is for me to do so. i cant be happy just being becuase i feel like i am settling with just what i have. this is my life and the last thing i want to do is settle. i work in a good, positive place ... but dread being there, i feel like im trapped when i am there. so burnt out. and i have no idea where my life is moving outside of that. i want to get out, i want to be young and explore and travel and get messy in that youth.

i dont know how to go about doing that. i dont have the money, and above all i dont know that i can do it alone -- paul is stuck here in school for at least another two years. its a horrible thing to feel like the person you love is holding you back - is keeping your life from being all that you want it to be. and on top of that one of the main reasons hes going through school is for me! because i want security in our future .... and my career path is definitely not shaping up to be a guarantee for that.

im overwhelmed - its so hard to deal with and definitely slowly taking its toll us. i'm ridden with little brerakdowns often and
i dont know how to deal with it all. its been taking a toll on my happiness for quite a while now ... i just dont want life to turn into something im unhappy with. that ive learned to settle with. in hopes that typing this well help me sort it out ---